Saturday, 12 December 2015

Forcing myself to write something as an exercise in self discipline sucks and makes me miserable, I need to let my shadow side play in the every day with the Brethren books. I need to remember the whole point of writing is for it to be a fun side line. What a surprise, yet again I'm having to tell myself to chill.. Shall we take bets on how long before I'm shouting at myself to be more disciplined and take things seriously.

Insert cheesy "woman needing discipline" joke here! 

It's a pattern in my life I seem doomed to repeat. Every now and then gaining enough insight to see that I'm doomed to repeat history, only to fall back into the same habits. This pattern follows with the The Boss and I when it comes to marriage. I'm fortunate, I'm married to a man who not only indulges my shadow side but loves me. Every now and then we become emotionally detached, normally born out of one of us being worried. We tend to retire to our corners, both desperate for each other's strength but again acting out old behaviours which just make things worse. Me pushing him away, retreating to bed, making it impossible for some one as gentle as him to get near me when that's all I want.

Being put on a pedestal can have a downside!

Last weekend was one of those that was eaten away by our being disconnected. Me annoyed by work and him by a health scare. They always end the same these arguments arising from being disconnected with me yelling that "yet again I'm having to put things right between us" when if I'm honest that's as it should be, because it's usually my fault the whole things wasn't resolved one hell of a lot sooner but each time this happens I convince myself in my rage this time is different and round we go again. 99 times out of a 100 we can communicate but sometimes fear gets in the way. And that's all it really is because I can not imagine existing without him. I'm not sure why some people are so enamoured with the make up phase after an argument, it makes me feel like a stupid girl because I have such a crush on him after, making me want to hang round his neck and fuck, constantly!!

Wanting to touch him and hold him, not wanting to be apart like a 15 year old girl. It's important to point out we fall like this maybe once a year but the infrequency means the whole is so much worse.

All good fuel for the next brethren book I suppose, sliding back into it is feeling very good, with a bit of distance the feeder story is falling together much better but I'm finding some lovely inspiration on tumbler

Got to admire some peoples photo shop skills

The annoyance at work was initially caused by a colleague making me part of her nervous break down but was made much worse by an operations manager micro managing in my line managers abscence. Ben you are a scared man, you're terrified of being seen as being in the wrong and I'm worth more. I have enough self confidence to say enough is enough so I left early on Friday and I'm giving myself a week off from the chaos! Working with dangerous people arsonists, sex offenders and various different violent offenders who not only go bump in the night but make the day time a pretty scary place is tough enough without colleagues being a night mare!

However, Know this Ben!

While you're wasting your time in your silly creative writing evening class, surrounded by middle class, talentless wannabes, just like yourself. I'm published, all of my aliases are above a 4.5 average on Goodreads and you can go fuck yourself!

26 is falling into place which is nice, because I can use it as a distraction a bit like meditation, tuning in to a story in my head is like listening to music it's a good counterbalance.

I've always been curious how I've worked with the reality of severe illness and disability all my working life, giving me an understanding of just how miserable and painful it can be, either to be helpless yourself of care for some one who needs specialist equipment, but be able separate the equipment and practices so effectively in my mind from their intended purpose.

Over the course of my career I've fed changed and restrained many many people, all destined to live short painful lives but there is something very different about forcing a perfectly healthy person into that situation. Half my earnings are from helping helpless people regain some dignity, because they can't control their own minds and bodies. While the other half is from taking away everything from ordinary people and making them suffer as I do it for my own pleasure. Jung talked about the balance between the shadow side and our every day persona. The mind becoming unhealthy if the shadow side isn't allowed to come out and play (I'm paraphrasing horribly) but I think it's very true, I know I've certainly done that to myself and ended up in a bad way.

Where would you even start explaining that you find this arousing but only in the right context! 

At least I've managed to change that behavioural cycle! It was bad enough hiding my need for bondage, I can't imagine the hell it must be for people who have to hide their sexuality. Pretending to be straight, having to deny your identity for every minute of every day is psychological torture, it must kill your soul.

Anyway to recharge my batteries I've even shut down my laptop. I'm laying around eating junk and I've even shut down everything but my iPod. My brain is effectively in neutral with just cruising eBay, skinning up and trying to connect with Christmas to occupy the few brain cells I have bothered to switch on. Wading through pages and pages on eBay can yield rewards. I love it when you find a fellow kinkster having a clear out. I was watching a fab black latex kimono which I've missed out on but the seller has lots of gear up for sale. From what I can gather they are a large male cross dresser with a taste for latex and antique fishing gear!

Some one in touch with their shadow side, good for them !

A couple of hints about themes for book 26

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