Monday, 28 December 2015

How sad I hear you say, blogging on Christmas day, does this woman have nothing better to do!! Well, yes, you're right, I do have far better things to be doing with my time but my obligation to the day job calls. So here I am, holding the fort for a few hours. I don't mind, it's not difficult. A five minute drive across town to sit alone in an office for a few hours just in case something happens. Most of the clients go home and fortunately being a very pragmatic type I don't get the bleeding hearts spending hour upon hour pouring their wounded souls out to me.We operate a skeleton staff over Christmas and the new year which is  blessing, it means I don't have to make conversation and can do exactly as I like. I don't have to pretend to work, which is handy because I am nursing a slight hangover.

Next rounds on me!

It's subsiding slowly thanks to lots of Lucozade and paracetamol. Last night The Boss and I had our traditional Christmas eve drinks with friends. I don't often do pub nights any more but seeing A is always worth it. One of the few women I can tolerate for any length of time, we don't talks about kids, shoes or anything emotional. We've known each other long enough to know each other well but only meet a few times a year for birthdays etc and I can in all honesty say she's my best friend. She has a tendency to pick broken men (as did I with the Boss) and for women we'd both make great blokes.

I need assistance to be ladylike!

We make each other laugh, never sob on each others shoulders. She is in fact the best bloke I know. I always have a good time getting drunk with her and Christmas eve would not be the same without our meeting up. The Boss is very gregarious and could have a good time in phone box with a stranger but as I think I've said before, people are not my idea of fun. If it weren't for the fact I like animals I'd score high enough on the relevant scales to be considered a sociopath!

A psychopath would clamp her nostrils shut for good, a sociopath would do it occasionally but keep her like this for a few days.

The Boss and I walked home drunk in the full moon and star light which was wonderful and this morning we opened presents, he bought me silver jewellery and stationery, I bought him maps, books and a new key board. 8pm tonight I will go home to more alcohol, weed and chocolate. Tomorrow is a badly cooked meal with my folks, love them but my mum can't cook for shit, one more short shift on Sunday and other than a trip out to see star wars on new years eve, the next week will be spent with The Boss playing.

Can't complain, after all I was promised a week in my pajamas!

He surprised me by taking the week off with me and I can't wait. the last month has been shit. I've wanted to spend the quiet Christmas shifts writing but events have taken over, thanks to a twat of an operations manager panicking. Book 26 is in my head but next week will be the first opportunity to actually do some serious writing. Being able to get just one of the books in progress moving forward will help get rid of some of the ideas tangled in my head.

A little bit of thinking space

My games with my whisper sub have spawned a fascination with extreme body mods as part of femdom. He's admitting to liking the thought of castration and of course i'm happy to oblige him. What started off as sissy dreams have taken a deliciously dark twist!

What better way to spend a cold rainy week but writing hardcore bondage porn then taking advantage of the feelings it provokes by getting tied down and being relentlessly fucked!

Ready and waiting Boss!

Amongst the Christmas shopping for goodies to make others happy I have treated myself to a couple of rather nice things. A new latex corset, not a pretty shiny one, I have one of those, even though it's now a bit big since I lost weight but a silicone latex one which will never shine but will have the desired effect of forcing me to stand very straight and restrict my breathing. It's brutality appealed to be rather than it's aesthetic. Combined with lots of layers of rubber it should feel nicely overwhelming. Heavy rubber against bare skin is a favorite sensation. Years ago I had a wonderful heavy rubber corset but a misjudged attempt at repair ruined it, such a shame because it was a monster!

Sit straight and take shallow breaths

I've also purchased a nice little item for my Gord collection, I think I have the majority of the books, most of which I purchased many, many years ago, but I never got round to buying the magazines. This is number three and I'd like to complete the set so I'm keeping my eyes open for the others. I wish I'd done this sooner as the price of Gord stuff has shot up. The books are being offered up at £60 + on ebay. My guess is that this is since the passing of Gord himself, it makes the books much more of a rarity seeing as there won't be any more. It's nice to know my collection is worth something, not that I'd ever sell them. The whole point of my writing the Brethren books I do is to fill the gap left by the end of the Gord series.

I had the most wonderful nostalgia trip reading the through the adverts in the magazine. Daisy publications of Bexhill on sea!

This was the company I used to send my postal orders off to in the way back when to buy the Gord books. It used to seem like an age waiting for them to arrive. The first and probably still my favourite is 'curiosity tamed the kat' a rather improbable story about how a woman ends up covered in rubber and contained under a sink hanging from a pipe but the language of confinement and the wonderful Benson illustrations were perfection. This was the first book I showed The Boss when I was initiating him. It was he way his eyes lit up about the latex that gave me the first hint that latex was the way to draw him into my depraved little world.

Saturday, 12 December 2015

Forcing myself to write something as an exercise in self discipline sucks and makes me miserable, I need to let my shadow side play in the every day with the Brethren books. I need to remember the whole point of writing is for it to be a fun side line. What a surprise, yet again I'm having to tell myself to chill.. Shall we take bets on how long before I'm shouting at myself to be more disciplined and take things seriously.

Insert cheesy "woman needing discipline" joke here! 

It's a pattern in my life I seem doomed to repeat. Every now and then gaining enough insight to see that I'm doomed to repeat history, only to fall back into the same habits. This pattern follows with the The Boss and I when it comes to marriage. I'm fortunate, I'm married to a man who not only indulges my shadow side but loves me. Every now and then we become emotionally detached, normally born out of one of us being worried. We tend to retire to our corners, both desperate for each other's strength but again acting out old behaviours which just make things worse. Me pushing him away, retreating to bed, making it impossible for some one as gentle as him to get near me when that's all I want.

Being put on a pedestal can have a downside!

Last weekend was one of those that was eaten away by our being disconnected. Me annoyed by work and him by a health scare. They always end the same these arguments arising from being disconnected with me yelling that "yet again I'm having to put things right between us" when if I'm honest that's as it should be, because it's usually my fault the whole things wasn't resolved one hell of a lot sooner but each time this happens I convince myself in my rage this time is different and round we go again. 99 times out of a 100 we can communicate but sometimes fear gets in the way. And that's all it really is because I can not imagine existing without him. I'm not sure why some people are so enamoured with the make up phase after an argument, it makes me feel like a stupid girl because I have such a crush on him after, making me want to hang round his neck and fuck, constantly!!

Wanting to touch him and hold him, not wanting to be apart like a 15 year old girl. It's important to point out we fall like this maybe once a year but the infrequency means the whole is so much worse.

All good fuel for the next brethren book I suppose, sliding back into it is feeling very good, with a bit of distance the feeder story is falling together much better but I'm finding some lovely inspiration on tumbler

Got to admire some peoples photo shop skills

The annoyance at work was initially caused by a colleague making me part of her nervous break down but was made much worse by an operations manager micro managing in my line managers abscence. Ben you are a scared man, you're terrified of being seen as being in the wrong and I'm worth more. I have enough self confidence to say enough is enough so I left early on Friday and I'm giving myself a week off from the chaos! Working with dangerous people arsonists, sex offenders and various different violent offenders who not only go bump in the night but make the day time a pretty scary place is tough enough without colleagues being a night mare!

However, Know this Ben!

While you're wasting your time in your silly creative writing evening class, surrounded by middle class, talentless wannabes, just like yourself. I'm published, all of my aliases are above a 4.5 average on Goodreads and you can go fuck yourself!

26 is falling into place which is nice, because I can use it as a distraction a bit like meditation, tuning in to a story in my head is like listening to music it's a good counterbalance.

I've always been curious how I've worked with the reality of severe illness and disability all my working life, giving me an understanding of just how miserable and painful it can be, either to be helpless yourself of care for some one who needs specialist equipment, but be able separate the equipment and practices so effectively in my mind from their intended purpose.

Over the course of my career I've fed changed and restrained many many people, all destined to live short painful lives but there is something very different about forcing a perfectly healthy person into that situation. Half my earnings are from helping helpless people regain some dignity, because they can't control their own minds and bodies. While the other half is from taking away everything from ordinary people and making them suffer as I do it for my own pleasure. Jung talked about the balance between the shadow side and our every day persona. The mind becoming unhealthy if the shadow side isn't allowed to come out and play (I'm paraphrasing horribly) but I think it's very true, I know I've certainly done that to myself and ended up in a bad way.

Where would you even start explaining that you find this arousing but only in the right context! 

At least I've managed to change that behavioural cycle! It was bad enough hiding my need for bondage, I can't imagine the hell it must be for people who have to hide their sexuality. Pretending to be straight, having to deny your identity for every minute of every day is psychological torture, it must kill your soul.

Anyway to recharge my batteries I've even shut down my laptop. I'm laying around eating junk and I've even shut down everything but my iPod. My brain is effectively in neutral with just cruising eBay, skinning up and trying to connect with Christmas to occupy the few brain cells I have bothered to switch on. Wading through pages and pages on eBay can yield rewards. I love it when you find a fellow kinkster having a clear out. I was watching a fab black latex kimono which I've missed out on but the seller has lots of gear up for sale. From what I can gather they are a large male cross dresser with a taste for latex and antique fishing gear!

Some one in touch with their shadow side, good for them !

A couple of hints about themes for book 26